Trauma Bonding: Definition, Stages, & Ways to Cope

Trauma bonding is a complex and often confusing aspect of abusive relationships. It happens when a person forms a profound emotional connection with someone who hurts them, making it hard for them to leave. Even though the relationship is harmful, the bond can feel very strong because of the mix of abuse and affection.

Developing an awareness of trauma bonding will help anyone trying to break free from a toxic situation. This page will define trauma bonding and explore what’s a trauma bond, the stages traumatic bonding includes, and how to heal if you’re trauma bonded. You can also find out how to get effective and compassionate care for mental health issues.

What Is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma bonding, meaning a powerful emotional connection that develops between a person and someone who mistreats them, is often found in abusive relationships, where the person being hurt feels a confusing mix of love, fear, and dependency toward the abuser. The abuser might show kindness or affection after episodes of abuse, making it even harder for the victim to leave. This cycle of harm followed by care creates a bond that ties the victim to their abuser, even though the relationship is harmful.

Trauma Bonding Definition

Trauma bonding is the emotional attachment that forms in relationships where one person repeatedly abuses another. This bond develops because the abuse is mixed with periods of positive reinforcement, like apologies, gifts, or loving gestures. Over time, the victim becomes emotionally attached to the abuser, believing that the abuser’s good moments show their true self and that the relationship can improve. This belief keeps the victim stuck in the cycle of abuse, making it extremely difficult to break free.

Trauma Bonding Examples

Trauma bonding can happen in many different situations, not just in romantic relationships. Sometimes, a child might form a trauma bond with an abusive caregiver. Despite the abuse, the child may still feel love and loyalty toward the caregiver because of the moments when the caregiver is kind or caring. Another example is a person held captive who begins to feel sympathy or even affection for their captor, a condition often referred to as Stockholm syndrome. Trauma bonding can also occur in friendships, workplaces, or within cults, where a person feels loyal to someone who manipulates and controls them. In all these cases, the victim’s emotional attachment is strengthened by the abuser’s alternating acts of cruelty and kindness.

What Is the Trauma Bonding Cycle?

The trauma bonding cycle is a repeating pattern of abuse and reconciliation that keeps a person emotionally tied to their abuser. This cycle is what makes trauma bonds so powerful and hard to break. The abuser alternates between hurting the victim and showing them love or kindness. These positive moments give the victim hope that the relationship will get better, even though the abuse continues. Over time, the victim becomes more dependent on these brief periods of kindness, making it increasingly difficult to leave the toxic relationship.

Stages of Trauma Bonding

Most cases of trauma bonding happen in stages, each one pulling the victim deeper into the cycle of abuse. Here are the common stages of trauma bonding:

• Love bombing: At the beginning of the relationship, the abuser may shower the victim with excessive attention, flattery, and gifts. This overwhelming display of affection makes the victim feel special and loved, and they quickly become attached to the abuser.

• Gaining trust and dependency: The abuser works to gain the victim’s trust and make them feel dependent. They might do this by moving the relationship forward quickly, saying things like, “We’re meant to be together” or “You can always rely on me.” The victim starts to depend on the abuser for support and validation.

• Criticism and devaluation: Once the abuser has gained the victim’s trust, they begin to criticize and belittle them. This stage often includes emotional or psychological abuse, where the abuser blames the victim for problems in the relationship. The victim starts to doubt themselves and may believe that they deserve the criticism.

• Gaslighting and manipulation: The abuser uses manipulation tactics like gaslighting, where they make the victim question their own reality. They might say things like, “You’re imagining things,” or “You’re too sensitive,” causing the victim to doubt their perceptions and feel confused.

• Resignation and submission: At this stage, the victim feels defeated and stops resisting the abuser’s demands. They may think it’s easier to go along with the abuser to avoid conflict. The victim might even start to believe that the relationship is normal or that they can’t do better.

• Emotional addiction: The victim develops an emotional addiction to the cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement. The brief moments of kindness and love make the victim feel a sense of relief, which they start to crave. This addiction makes it extremely difficult for the victim to leave the relationship.

• The cycle repeats: After each abusive incident, the abuser returns to love bombing or shows affection, starting the cycle all over again. The victim continues to hope that the relationship will improve, which keeps them trapped in the cycle.

Understanding these stages can help people identify trauma bonding and begin the process of breaking free from an abusive relationship.

10 Signs of Trauma Bonding

Recognizing the signs of trauma bonding can help someone understand if they are stuck in a harmful relationship. Here are 10 common trauma bonding symptoms:

• Justifying the abuser’s behavior: You often make excuses for your partner’s hurtful actions, telling yourself that they didn’t mean it, or that they were just having a bad day. Even when others point out the abuse, you defend your partner.

• Blaming yourself: You may believe that the abuse is your fault. You think that if you were better or did things differently, the abuse would stop. This self-blame keeps you tied to the relationship, hoping that you can fix things.

• Feeling afraid to leave: Even though the relationship is harmful, the thought of leaving feels terrifying. You might worry about what will happen if you leave, or you might feel that you can’t live without your partner.

• Constantly seeking approval: You find yourself doing everything you can to make your partner happy, even if it means ignoring your own needs or values. You crave their approval because it makes you feel valued, even if it comes after hurtful behavior.

• Isolation from others: You may have started to distance yourself from friends and family, either because your partner demands it or because you feel ashamed of the relationship. This isolation makes it harder for you to get support and see the situation clearly.

• Downplaying the abuse: You convince yourself that the abuse isn’t that bad or that other people have it worse. This downplaying helps you stay in the relationship, even though it’s causing you harm.

• Feeling dependent on your partner: Despite the abuse, you feel like you can’t live without your partner. You depend on them for emotional support, even though they are the source of your pain.

• Reliving good memories: You often think about the good times in the relationship, using those memories to justify staying. You believe that the person your partner was during those good moments is who they truly are, even though the abuse continues.

• Making excuses to stay: You might tell yourself that things will get better, that your partner will change, or that leaving isn’t an option for various reasons. These excuses keep you stuck in the cycle of abuse.

• Feeling ashamed or guilty: You might feel ashamed that you’re still in the relationship or guilty for even thinking about leaving. These feelings can be overwhelming and make it harder to break free.

These signs are helpful to recognize because they indicate that the relationship is unhealthy and that you may be experiencing trauma bonding – this is the first step toward getting help and finding a way out of the cycle of abuse.

How to Break a Trauma Bond

Breaking a trauma bond is one of the most challenging steps for someone stuck in an abusive relationship. Trauma bonds are powerful because they mix moments of kindness and affection with periods of abuse, making it hard to let go. However, breaking free is possible with the right strategies and support. Here’s how to start:

• Recognize the bond: The first step is understanding that you are in a trauma bond. Acknowledge that the relationship is unhealthy and that the bond formed is based on abuse, not love. See the situation for what it is rather than what you hope it could be.

• Create a safety plan: If you’re in immediate danger, your first priority should be to get to a safe place. This might mean staying with a trusted friend or family member or reaching out to a domestic violence shelter. A safety plan should include a place to go, people you can call for support, and access to emergency resources like a phone and transportation.

• Cut off contact: To truly break a trauma bond, it’s imperative to cut off all communication with the abuser. This might be very difficult, especially if you feel dependent on them or if they try to reach out to you. Block their number, avoid places where you might see them, and unfollow or block them on social media. If you share children or have other unavoidable connections, limit contact to only what is absolutely necessary and keep it strictly about logistics.

• Seek professional help: A therapist – especially one who is trained in trauma or abuse – can be a great support during this time. Therapy can help you process your emotions, understand the trauma bond, and develop healthier coping strategies. A therapist can also provide a safe space to talk about your experiences and help you rebuild your self-esteem.

• Build a support network: Breaking a trauma bond is incredibly hard to do alone. Reach out to friends, family, or support groups that understand your situation. These people can offer emotional support, practical help, and a sense of community. They can also help you stay strong during moments when you might feel tempted to return to the abuser.

• Focus on self-care: Taking care of yourself is vital during this process. This includes eating well, getting enough sleep, and engaging in activities that make you feel good. Self-care helps you rebuild your sense of self-worth and reminds you that you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

• Challenge negative thoughts: It’s common to feel self-doubt, guilt, or fear after leaving an abusive relationship. You might even miss the abuser at times. Challenge these thoughts, though, and remind yourself why you left. Positive affirmations, journaling, and talking to supportive friends can help you replace negative thoughts with more empowering ones.

• Stay busy: Keeping yourself occupied with hobbies, work, or spending time with loved ones can help take your mind off the abuser. Staying busy can prevent you from dwelling on the relationship and can give you a sense of purpose and fulfillment outside of the abusive dynamic.

Life After Trauma Bonding

Life after breaking a trauma bond can feel both liberating and overwhelming. It’s a time of healing, self-discovery, and growth. Here’s what to expect and how to navigate this new chapter:

• Rebuilding self-esteem: One of the first challenges after leaving a trauma-bonded relationship is rebuilding your self-esteem. Trauma bonds often leave victims feeling worthless and powerless. Start by celebrating small victories, like making decisions on your own or setting boundaries with others. Surround yourself with positive influences who remind you of your worth.

• Rediscovering yourself: Trauma bonds often cause people to lose their sense of self. After leaving the relationship, take time to rediscover who you are. This might mean revisiting old hobbies, exploring new interests, or simply spending time alone to reflect on what you truly enjoy and value in life.

• Healing takes time: Healing from a trauma bond is not a quick process. Be patient with yourself – it’s normal to have ups and downs, and there might be days when you miss the abuser or question your decision. Remember that healing is a journey, and each step forward, no matter how small, is progress.

• Building healthy relationships: After breaking a trauma bond, you might feel hesitant to trust others or start new relationships. Take your time and focus on building connections that are based on mutual respect, trust, and care. Healthy relationships should make you feel safe, valued, and supported.

• Seeking joy and fulfillment: Now that you are free from the toxic relationship, it’s time to focus on finding joy and fulfillment in your life. This might mean pursuing a passion, spending more time with loved ones, or setting new personal goals. Embrace the freedom to live your life on your terms.

Trauma Bond Withdrawal Symptoms

Leaving a trauma-bonded relationship can feel similar to overcoming an addiction. Just like with addiction, breaking a trauma bond can lead to withdrawal symptoms. Trauma bonding symptoms are challenging but temporary, and they are a normal part of the healing process. Here’s what you might experience:

• Cravings for the relationship: After leaving, you might find yourself missing the abuser or craving the comfort of the relationship, even though it was harmful. These cravings are your brain’s way of trying to return to what it knows, but they will lessen over time.

• Anxiety and fear: It’s common to feel anxious or fearful after leaving an abusive relationship. You might worry about the future, fear being alone, or even feel unsafe. These feelings are part of your mind and body adjusting to the new reality of being free from the abuser.

• Emotional numbness: Some people experience emotional numbness after leaving a trauma-bonded relationship. This can happen because your mind is trying to protect you from the overwhelming emotions that come with the breakup. Allow yourself time to feel and process your emotions in a healthy way.

• Flashbacks: You might have flashbacks to the relationship, reliving moments of abuse or recalling the abuser’s words. These flashbacks can be distressing, but they are a normal part of trauma recovery. Grounding techniques, like focusing on your surroundings or practicing deep breathing, can help you manage them.

• Feelings of loneliness: After leaving a trauma bond, you might feel lonely, especially if the relationship was a major part of your life. Fill this space with positive connections and activities that bring you joy.

• Guilt and shame: You might feel guilty for leaving or ashamed of staying in the relationship for so long. These feelings are common but undeserved. Remember that the abuse was not your fault and leaving was a brave and necessary step.

How to Heal from Trauma Bonding

Healing from trauma bonding is a journey that requires time, effort, and support. It involves reclaiming your life and rebuilding your sense of self. Here are some steps to help you heal:

• Educate yourself: Learning about trauma bonding can empower you to understand what you went through and why it was so difficult to leave. Knowledge is power, and understanding the dynamics of trauma bonding can help you make sense of your experiences and move forward.

• Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself during this healing process. It’s easy to be hard on yourself, but remember that you did the best you could in a difficult situation. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend in your position.

• Set healthy boundaries: Learning to set and maintain boundaries is central to healing. This means protecting your time, energy, and emotions from people who do not respect you. Boundaries help you take control of your life and ensure that your relationships are healthy and respectful.

• Focus on personal growth: Use this time to grow and develop as a person. This might mean working on your self-esteem, exploring new interests, or setting goals for your future. Personal growth can help you rebuild your life and create a future that is fulfilling and free from abuse.

• Seek support: Healing is often easier with the support of others. Whether it’s through therapy, support groups, or close friends, connecting with others who understand your experience can provide comfort and encouragement.

• Embrace new beginnings: Healing from trauma bonding is an opportunity for a fresh start. Embrace the possibilities that come with your newfound freedom. This is your chance to build a life that reflects your true self, free from the shadow of abuse.

Breaking a trauma bond and healing from the pain it caused is a difficult but achievable journey. With time, support, and self-compassion, you can reclaim your life and build a future filled with love, respect, and happiness.

Get Compassionate, Evidence-Based Help at Gratitude Lodge

If you have been battling any kind of trauma-related mental health issues, we can help you at Gratitude Lodge in Long Beach and Newport Beach, California. Since many mental health issues co-occur with addictions, we can also offer integrated dual diagnosis treatment programs.

Every mental health condition and addiction are different, so every Gratitude Lodge treatment plan is personalized, with therapies including:

• Talk therapies
• Counseling
• MAT (medication-assisted treatment)
• Group therapy
• Motivational therapies
• Family therapy
• Holistic treatment
• Aftercare and support

For help recovering from a trauma bonding relationship, call 800-994-2184.